Change

I.

I fucked up
okay?
I messed up, screwed up
and now they tell me to suck it up
change my ways
like it's the easiest thing in the world

change, change, change
it's a dirty word, you know
I hear it and flinch away
because I am changing
just
not the way you want me to
not in an acceptable way
and I just

don't know

change
you say it like a gift, like it's something special
new and unusual, a thought I've never had before
asshole
before I ever came out of my mother's womb I knew change
I was change

and you
asshole

standing there all put together
telling me to change
filth and superiority dripping out of your mouth

just change
it's easy
oh, you don't like your life
so easy
to change it

how do you think I got here?
this place
this
dark
scattered
place




II.

I'm lost
did you know that?
with your can-do attitude and put together face
can you tell how hopelessly lost I am?

I wasn't always

lost, I mean

one day I just
sorta
found myself here

but hindsight's 20/20 you know
I can't go forward
yet

but I sure as hell can tell you the way back

to where it started

you can't go back though
I can't go back
that way's blocked
permanently



III.

change

what a horrible word
the way you use it against me
change, change, change motherfucker!
all your problems will go away
just
as soon
as you
change

change what?
I asked once
pff
not doing that again
nobody answered
not properly, anyways

nothing at all
they simpered
you're perfect
a snowflake
just be your gorgeous little self
and the world is your bitch

but I was myself
that's how I got here
so what
exactly
do I do now?

just your personality
they whined
you're a bit rough around the edges
a diamond in the rough, yeah?
just let us
chip you down
a bit
we'll get you shining bright

but I was resistant to shine
and no matter
how they hacked at me
I only grew duller
dimmer
scratched out
and ugly

I listened to you
it hurt
but I did what you said
yet
my rough edges still jut out
prickly walls of ice
you chiseled me down
in the soft veins
limestone running through granite
and now all that's left is the granite
and scars
what now?
what else could I possibly change?

you have hacked straight down to the center of me
the core of me
and found it wanting
I change that
I cease to exist
someone else will stand here before you
not me
am I so worthless?
what would you have me change?

everything, you bastard
they shouted
everything
why do you still stand tall?
stand out?

I am not tall
I wheezed
I am crooked and bent
my spindly limbs have been trimmed
if I am tall, it is but a quirk
a remnant of me
the granite underneath
fighting

you have ripped the limestone out
and with it
the polished pretense
you call acceptable
and good
good

and still I stand here
wanting
unwilling
and you scream change!

change!
and all will be forgiven
do I want to be forgiven?
traitorous thoughts
painful thoughts
wretched thoughts

your tools could only go so far
they don't work on the heart of me
but I
could

if I wanted to

could reach down
and melt
the rough edges away
fill in the gaps
gloss the surface

I could change
completely

but what would be the point?

then I wouldn't be me
ever
ever again
never
never again

change
you scream
you murmur
you cry

I do
I have
I will
I am

changing

but not for you